The pain is so intense, nothing seems to work, but then little things whisper of promise. One day at a time.

Please ask for help if the grief feels like it is too much to handle.

TIPS FOR MISCARRIAGE/STILLBIRTH RECOVERY

• Read: Pregnancy After a Loss by Carol Cirulli Lanham—provides the perspective for understanding losses and what to expect for your next pregnancy.

• Find support: Look for a local support group, often through local hospital(s). Talking with others about their losses was tremendously helpful for us. The rest of the world goes on, but in these meetings everyone is suffering from a similar type of loss and understands the disconnect we feel after this devastating but amorphous loss. (Many people do not acknowledge that miscarriage/stillbirth is a real death that must be mourned.)

• Exercise Gently: Try to build up your strength and fitness doing a sport that is restful and fulfilling. (I swam—started twice/wk, gradually made it up to five days/wk. I felt like underwater I could talk to my little lost soul.) Even if this doesn’t sound good to you, the endorphins that you build up as your workout increases will help you feel better in your mind, heart, and body. (A gentle yoga practice would be amazing.)

• Treat yourself: If you don’t already do this, paint your toes, get a coffee, light a candle, watch a silly movie. Try to be good to yourself and your body. It DID do everything it could for you and your bab(ies). Caring for your body also helps to reinforce emotional healing.

• Acupuncture: As I described in the book, I started seeing a gynecological acupuncturist right after our loss. It really helped to get my hormones back in shape naturally and prepared me for our next pregnancy.

• Write: Express your thoughts. Say hello and goodbye. Re-read them periodically and add to them as your state of mind evolves. Pour out the pain onto paper. Release the thoughtless things people say, and if you can, honor the support you receive. Observe your progress. It’s hard to believe, but there will be progress.

• Pay Tribute: Plan a memorial service. You can have one at any time (ours was five months after our loss, on our son’s due date.) It can be an event for family and friends, or something quiet you do alone or with a friend. Find a reading that speaks to you. Select some treasures for your baby. Say goodbye formally and allow for the closure this offers.

• Find a safe place to talk: Find someone who has a compassionate ear. Through my perinatologist, I found a therapist who specialized in counseling women after a loss.

• Adventure or travel: Take a trip sometime between now and when you start to try again, an adult adventure or something you wouldn’t want to do with a baby or child. Try to have some fun with your partner (this may be down the road a bit yet—but it can be very good for rebuilding confidence.)

• Be patient: Give yourself time, and don’t expect much. You will heal when you’re ready. And yes, another life awaits.