Birth to adolescence takes about ten years, more or less. Long before she arrived I knew the early parenting years were fleeting. I vowed to appreciate these years. I didn’t want to wish for more after it was over. Admiring her smiles, playing with little hands and feet, staring into each other’s eyes. Time had no meaning, only as a guidepost for where we had been and where we were going. In trying to bring the most unadulterated energy to her, I kept my priorities simple.

Visual media remained off; the newspaper digest arrived by email. Watching a live broadcast could fill me with anxiety, but reading the same story allowed me to process in a more organic way.

I tried to live in the light of G’s presence. Some days it was exhausting work; other days, I flew about on our joyous energy. Every day was a new stage of development.

Sometimes I wanted to say, “Stop. This moment is perfect. Can’t I just sit here and capture this?” I wanted a living, three-dimensional photograph to keep forever that smelled delicious, giggled, and snuggled. I begged myself to remember some detail to hold onto forever, the way I memorized the calluses on my first lover’s hands.

I coaxed myself to stay clear, awake and loving, releasing my negative emotions by writing for therapy. In order to survive my childhood and adolescence, I had to shut down my feelings. If I experienced them, they existed somewhere outside of me, not in my body. I saw my body and emotions as inconvenient aspects of living. Thinking was my lifeline.

I interacted with people but kept myself safely distant to insulate myself from pain. My role models were male; I attempted to mirror what I saw as their indestructible approach to life. Why did I choose to hide safely in a male model rather than embrace my femininity? Why did I see success as innately incompatible with a creative or soulful quest?

These early G days provided a microscope into my past, giving me a chance to love our child and the hidden little girl within me. To play, a second time around. To cherish and gain what I needed to grow. To open my heart and keep it open.

How to live in the present? A child does. I had a guide.